Tuesday, June 29, 2010

9 Hilariously Ironic Ways to Die

9 Hilarious Ironic Deaths

Posted October 29th, 2009
by Rene Volpi via Robert Evans 
According to Wikipedia, “all senses of irony revolve around the perceived notion of an incongruity between what is expressed and what is intended, or between an understanding or expectation of a reality and what actually happens.”
Basically, you say one thing and another thing happens. You expect something, and then the opposite occurs. With that in mind, let’s go on and mock the tragic deaths of other human beings because we find the circumstances around them mildly amusing.
1. Felix Powell
Who: Felix Powell, songwriter and Staff Sergeant in the Royal Army.
How He Died: He shot himself in the heart using his duty rifle while wearing his uniform.
What Made It Ironic: Powell wrote the music behind the famous marching song, “Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit Bag and Smile, Smile, Smile”. His song became world-famous and was noted as “perhaps the most optimistic song ever written”.

Smile, smile, smile all the way to hell
Powell’s suicide just goes to show that even the most upbeat people among us can be cauldrons of boiling existential angst. Decent, caring people will find that deeply depressing. Thankfully, this is the Internet, and none of those people spend any time here.
What could possibly be depressing about this?
2. Jim Fixx
Who: Fixx was a major health nut, and author of the 1977 bestseller “The Complete Book of Running.” He was a member of Mensa, wrote a book of puzzles for geniuses, and was generally the most infuriatingly perfect person in the public spotlight. When he died, stand-up comedians everywhere rejoiced at having a year’s worth of material handed to them on a silver platter.
How He Died: A heart attack, while running. It was like a gift from God.

Jim Fixx, patron saint of the easy joke
Why It’s Ironic: Fixx made a fortune convincing people that running could vastly extend the human lifespan, then he died while running. Take THAT, healthy people. Your puny exercise can’t stave off death’s sociopathic advances any better than our tactic of eating nachos in the bath tub and weeping silently.

Screw healthy living, pass me the Cheetos and a big ole bottle of Old English.

3. Michael Anderson
Who: Anderson was convicted of murder and sentenced to death by electric chair in 1983.

An artist’s representation of the condemned
How He Died: Electrocution.
Why It’s Ironic: Electrocution is just what you would expect to happen…if Anderson hadn’t had his sentence reversed shortly thereafter. He managed to convince a jury that he didn’t deserve to die for his crimes. Unfortunately for Anderson, the Gods of Irony have a finely-tuned sense of comedic synchronicity.

What a shitty way to die
One day Anderson tried to fix his television while sitting on a metal toilet. He ended up screwing the operation up so badly that he electrocuted himself to death. It’s one of those moments that proves the universe is run by omnipotent assholes with a dark sense of humor.
4. Marcus Licinius Crassus
Who: Crassus was a Roman general and statesman. He was one of the wealthiest men in the history of the human race. If Bill Gates’ daughter gay-married Oprah and they had a child who inherited all of their money after a tragic skiing accident, that kid still wouldn’t come close to being as rich as Crassus was.

The truly wealthy don’t need bling
One time, he bought an entire army and financed the invasion of a major world power all with his own funds. Hey don’t hate the guy too much, unlike Dick Cheney, this guy was badass enough to fund his wars with his own money, not the tax payers’.
How He Died: He either choked to death or burned to death. It’s not entirely clear which came first.
Why It’s Ironic: After being defeated in battle by the Parthian army, Crassus was captured and put to death by the Parthian king. Eastern potentates back then were a whimsically cruel little bastards, and Crassus was executed by having molten gold siphoned down his throat.

It’s easy to judge the Parthians for showing ridiculous sadism in their methods of punishment, but, come on, the asshole did invade their country. That’s a dick move.
5. Hans Steininger
Who: The man with history’s longest beard, measuring an astounding 4.5 feet. Steininger’s beard was, perhaps, the single most glorious expression of facial hair in human history. Artists didn’t just draw the damn thing, they immortalized it in stone.

This sculpture proves that, 1. Hans Steininger was a stone-cold badass and, 2. He always packed a blade. He knew what was up.
How He Died: One day, while fleeing a fire, Hans forgot to roll his beard up. He accidentally tripped over it, broke his neck, and died.
Why It’s Ironic: By all accounts, Hans’ beard was his life. The crowning achievement around which his pride revolved. To be fair, if you looked this hot;

ZZ Top Take Heed
You’d be a little arrogant too. Unfortunately for Hans, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and he just had too much beard.
6. Clement Vallandigham
Who: Clement was a famous lawyer in the late 1800s. He also had a beard, but it was way less badass than Steininger’s.

The proto-neckbeard! We’ve found it!
How He Died: Gun shot wound to the head.
Why It’s Ironic: In this case, circumstances are everything. Simply getting shot in the face isn’t funny, it’s just what happens sometimes when you wander into the wrong neighborhood or bring a keg to Gun Cleaning Night.

College taught us well, anything worth doing is worth doing drunk
Vallandigham’s death was a special case. He was representing a man who killed someone during a bar fight. Clement’s case relied on convincing the jury that the deceased had, in fact, shot himself while attempting to draw his weapon from his pocket. In order to convince the jury, he attempted to recreate situation that had lead to the deadly accident.
Apparently, he did it a little too well. Vallandigham accidentally shot himself. He died of his injuries but, appropriately enough, the court acquitted his client on the grounds that, yes, you can accidentally shoot yourself to death, providing you are either retarded, or an extremely dedicated lawyer.

Above: Great idea
7. Bobby Leach
Who: Bobby was a world-famous daredevil, and the second person in history to go over Niagara Falls. Astonishingly, falling off of an enormous waterfall in a metal barrel isn’t what killed him.

This here was a well-balanced man
How He Died: Complications caused by gangrene and an amputated leg. Those injuries still sound like they came from a badass daredevil stunt. He probably tried to jump an elephant in a motorcycle or something…
Why It’s Ironic: Bobby Leach injured his leg after tripping on a banana peel. Reports at the time were inconclusive, but Bugs Bunny may or may not have been sighted in the vicinity during the accident. In the end, even Bobby Leach couldn’t defeat the forces of gravity.

Niagara Falls: Less deadly than slapstick comedy
8. Jerome Moody
Who: Some 31 year old dude in New Orleans.

Protecting your children while wearing douchey sunglasses
How He Died: Drowning.
Why It’s Ironic: Jerome Moody drowned during a party for New Orleans lifeguards. Many of the people in attendance were professional lifeguards, and four guards were on duty. To make matters worse, the party was in celebration of the New Orleans Recreational Department’s first drowning-free swimming season in recorded history.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; New Orleans just can’t win.

I found Waldo
9. Jerome Rodale
Who: One of the founders of the organic food revolution. Rodale was a ‘back to the earth’ naturalist hippy who supported clean living without the use of stimulants like sugar or caffeine. He would not have approved of eating Hot Pockets shirtless while watching Animaniacs re-runs.
How He Died: Heart attack at 72, right after an interview on the Dick Cavett show.

Colonel Sanders?!
Why It’s Ironic: Rodale was a huge advocate for the life-extending benefits of a clean, organic lifestyle. Immediately before his death, during the interview, he told Cavett that, “I’m going to live to be 100, unless I’m run down by some sugar-crazed taxi driver.”


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